Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the condoms I use are so sensitive, they stick around to talk to the chick for an hour after I leave."

   one of you people has stolen my brain, and I want it back raight naow bfoor tinghs dtt ny wurs

   If you don't make time for those in your life that are important, then don't be surprised when one day they stop making time for you.....

   it's so hot, my ice coffee is sweating more than I am

   Victoria's Secret just launched a new bra called Netherlands. It has a lot of support, but no cup!!!!

   Doing the old "how many women have I slept with" count. God I hate fractions.

   I do not have attention deficit disorder. I have what you're saying is boring the sh*t out of me disorder.

   Nevermind my cut finger or the blackeye, the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.

   If time travel were possible, my future self would've put a stop to that one girl from making those horrible songs. You know who I'm talking about, that Justin Beiber chick...

   Canada has never made and weapons of mass destruction. We don't need them. Canada has poutine and Justin Beiber. If we make our enemies eat poutine and listen to some Beiber cds, we'll do more damage to thier arteries and eardrums than WMD's ever could.

   is wondering if there is such a thing called the "Whine" Flu ? If so I am pretty sure some of my FB friends have it......

   "Do you have faceboook?" ... "no but I have a myspace!" ... ummm 'we dont speak the same language'

   These days a little bragging by saying, "I'm the bomb!!" might cause a stampede

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   needs sum fuggin bug spray now!!! a flame thrower would b nice to hav also.....

   Guys have two heads. They cannot use them both at the same time!

   I'm free of prejudices! I hate everyone equally :-)

   Wow Mel Gibson....did you really make 'Passion of the Christ' with that mouth and attitude...typical "holier than though" abusive man

   everyday I worry my friends are going to find out that I am not so witty and funny and the status wall will come crumbling down

   wisdom comes with age , but sometimes age comes alone!!!