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How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".
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02-05-2019 14:32 by
DC
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Prison guards and security are just a waste of money. All prisons only needs walls.
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02-05-2019 15:50
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The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.
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02-05-2019 16:03 by
Joker
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Why do people get angry when you say F you, or give them the finger ? But not when you say srrew you or up yours ? Don't they all mean the same thing ?
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02-05-2019 16:40 by
Just.asking
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I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.
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02-05-2019 16:53
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Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.
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02-05-2019 17:10 by
Joker
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The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.
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02-05-2019 17:14 by
Joker
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0
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I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.
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02-05-2019 18:38
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For a ski team, these guys in the 7-11 sure have a lot of guns!
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02-05-2019 19:16 by
Truman
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Calling for compromise, but only if it's on your own terms. How is that compromise?
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02-06-2019 10:53
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What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?
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02-06-2019 13:12
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After owning my phone for almost a year I finally figured out how to make the fonts bigger, which will make walking easier.
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02-06-2019 21:54 by
Moon
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Chloroform is my favorite essential oil.
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02-07-2019 05:28
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Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...
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02-07-2019 11:52
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Everytime I lose a sock I gain a Tupperware lid.
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02-07-2019 15:02
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Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money
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02-07-2019 17:07
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People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.
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02-07-2019 19:49
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Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.
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02-07-2019 20:20
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Anyone not doing anything except looking at Facebook, or not doing anything because you're looking at Facebook, want to hang out?
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02-08-2019 00:14 by
Moon
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0
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Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.
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02-08-2019 06:53
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