Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   someone from Egypt sent me an e-mail asking me to wire them money. I think it was a pyramid scheme

   Trere is a new line added to this years tax form that reads, Would you like $3 of your federal tax go to buying us a sandwich?

   Hope you blokes are enjoying the extreamly cold weather. God knows you people deserve it.

   I'm getting nothing for my wall..... Congress keeps telling me no..... I'm getting nothing for my wall..... So congress, you can go to hell.

   I got pulled over again. The cop said "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." I said "You guys seriously need to get a grip. One day you take my license and the next day you ask to see it."

   First paralyzed human treated with stem cells has now regained his upper body movement. So, what's so bad about stem cell?

   It's so cold Richard Simmons started wearing pants

   The minute you post an incorrect spelllling on line you find a hundred unemployed Teachers on social sites!

   Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.

   I wonder whatever happened to Rick Astley? He said he was never going give us up but he seems to have let us down. I'm hurt.

   The reason that a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup make such a great combination is because they the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   After much consideration I've decided not to host the Grammys this year.

   Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.

   This NFL Experience is so real they even have a back room full of white girls & cocaine

   Technology has improved men's sex lives over the last 20 years! The pages of Porn-tube don't get stuck together!

   It's "let me fish it out of 5 layers of clothes just so I can pee" degrees out..

   If you rely on the news to tell you it’s cold and to put a jacket on than I feel sorry for you.

   It's okay when to criticise someone when they try and force their beliefs on others and even go as far as trying to make their beliefs part of constitution and government policy.

   Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   I can't go to work today. The "wardrobe malfunction" happened 15 years ago today. It was very offensive.