Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   didn't think I needed a dude for anything...but batteries aren't gonna help me move this furniture around.

   I just ordered a cup of coffee from a BP gas stations and the attendant spilled it... why am I not surprised!

   Are you into fitness? Then you shouldn't have a problem fitness d*** in ur mouth!

   Plano TX, where guys show up in ed hardy T- shirts glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors. Thank you for making meeting women so easy for me.

   Plano, where guys show up in ed hardy shirt glittered up, fake bake tan, dragon ball z hair, wearing sunglasses indoors.

   So, ladies..... when you don't feel like using the "Shakeweight," do you tell yourself you have a headache?

   Do NOT download the Mel Gibson app on your new iPhone. It attacks all your other apps, then implodes.

   thinking about some chicken fried, cold beer, and wearing a pair of jeans that fit just right!

   ‎*disclamer* no animals were harmed in the crafting of this status update. Stunt doubles were substituted and all theories were tested on a closed course.

   Was in hospital waiting room and had sat on a newspaper that was on the chair. This guy comes over and asks "Are you reading that?" Didn't really know how to respond... So I said yes. I stood up, turned the page, and sat down again...

   Don't judge me. If you're reading this, then you aren't working either.

   put your hands in da air and wave 'em like you just don't care 'cause it's Friday!

   I just witness a lady shake the sh*t out of her kid in Wal-Mart...she must be a Shakeweight owner!

   Did you put the "Baby on Board" sign on your minivan to let me know you have precious cargo OR to warn me that your going to drive like an a$$hole and pay attention to everything but the road? just curious....

   Working on working on my evil plot to take over the world. But first, a bowl of Froot Loops!

   Don't be sad, don't be blue, Frankenstein was ugly too!

   thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 1000 getting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there sunshine

   O dang the voices in my head are speaking Spanish again....they know I don't understand them!

   thinks that Edward Scissorhands should be very much afraid of Edward Rockhands...

   if any more of these Mel Gibson tapes get released you'll be able to buy the box set from Time Life by XMas