Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting older sucks, I used to wake up feeling like a million bucks, but now its more like a bounced check.

   Here is a great way to manage people; look for the good in them and then tell them about it.

   Living the dream........if the dream was about doing laundry.

   I married my wife for her looks.But not the ones she's been giving me lately!

   just realised the phrase is "in with hate...out with love" I thought it was the other way....no wonder I have no friends left!

   the more reasons you hvae for achieving your goal,the more determined you will become

   Australian scientists are releasing photos of never before seen deep sea creatures.In related news, BP is releasing photos of never to be seen again sea creatures.

   Starbucks is a terrible place to meet women. Everytime you buy them a drink they get more and more...alert......and talkative.

   The liquor store advertised.. We De-Liver

   lmaoshmsfoaidmt = laughing my ass off so hard my sombrero fell off and I dropped my taco

   behind every great man is a woman, and behind that woman is another woman....... And another woman....... And another woman.... And another

   cutting I'm cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look cool and after all it's summer.

   Forget the damn past. Remember the lesson.

   I found myself lost in deep thought today. What a strange and scary place that was

   if you do not change direction,u may end up where you are going

   be like a postage stamp,stick to one thing till you get there

   "Look, there's a difference between 'ninja' and 'ninjer'."

   I think the Hope And Change has turned into Hump and Dump.

   Angelina Jolie is the prettiest ugly chick I've ever seen!

   I wish some people were like Etch-A-Sketch's...when you shake the sh*t out of them they disappear.