Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only difference between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Hurricane Florence is really really big. Lots of water, wet wet water. Most people don't know that. Just like they didn't know Puerto Rico was an island, surrounded by water, wet water.

   Weather forecasters have identified yet another tropical depression in the Atlantic Region which could potentially grow into a mega storm of epic proportions. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has appropriately named it Common Core Math

   9/13 Happy birthday Milton Hershey, thank you for the Hershey bar. Also is Scooby Doo day.

   I read this article earlier..that said.."cows have four stomachs"...and I wondered if anyone had checked this?..because it sounds like the sort of thing a cow would come out with to get more food?

   I'm watching the hurricane coverage on the weather channel. I hate to be insensitive but, can anyone really pay attention to what the officials are saying when the sign language lady is flailing about?

   What to do when your partner is snoring? Simply push them off the bed with your feet and shout, “Did you feel that earthquake” when they fall to the floor.

   What if you are an atheist, and you're stuck behind a guy with a "Honk if You Love Jesus" bumper sticker at a traffic light?

   We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

   If you send an e-mail to someone in jail, are you allowed to attach a file?

   Most people write congrats because they don't know the spelling of congrajulashions

   Come on people, drink a cup of Folgers and wake up.

   This guy at work said not to use (SSD) solid state drives because if they get infected with malware it spreads faster.

   Welcome to your 40's. You get horny anywhere, anytime. Without warning.

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   I felt naughty asking for my latte to be extra frothy

   Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 40

   It’s so cute when billionaire philanthropists donate less than 1%. Bless their hearts.

   An average person farts 13 times a day......... finally!! I'm above average at something.

   If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.