Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

   Life is like a doughnut. You're either in the dough or in the hole.

   Anybody can make a mistake. It takes real dedication to make all of them.

   If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

   If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

   The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

   I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

   Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.

   sweating like a cat in an Asian deli.

   What would I do for a Klondike Bar? Probably pay retail price... That's where I draw the line... and even then it's iffy.

   I have spend years pefecting the art of walking around my house in the dark. Now what I wanna know, is who the hell put that f*cking stool in the middle of the damn living room?!

   turns out "im fine" is girl speak for "im not fine"

   My friend told me they wouldn't mind trying human meat if the opportunity presented itself. Soooo, Guess who I'm not hanging out with anymore...

   I wish bugs understood the concept of personal space.

   The best part of waking up . . . is going back to sleep.

   Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

   You never learn anything by doing it right.

   $100 says I don't have a gambling problem.

   All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!

   Patience is not one of my virtues. Hell, what am I talking about? Virtue is not one of my virtues.