Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm an artistic representation of beautiful intentions and horrible decisions.

   You can learn a lot about a person by collecting hair from their hairbrush and giving it to a voodoo priestess

   You know she is single AF when all she posts is selfies.

   It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...

   Ain't it funny how the night moves When you just don't seem to have as much to lose Strange how the night moves With autumn closing in....

   I'm going ghost hunting. If you don't hear from me again... Try contacting me through EVP.

   I hate spelling errors. . You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

   If you missed the 3 seasons of McCain's funeral you can now watch it on Netflix.

   Anyone remember when it was normal for kids to go outside & be gone all day, but parents wouldn’t know where you were, just that you better be home when it is dark?

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the caledar says WTF.

   Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!

   Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?

   You know a woman is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.

   I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

   If you have a kid named Cody your chances of owning a 4-wheeler increase by 150%.

   My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish

   Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.