Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Live every week like it's shark week.

   Newton's Pee law : No matter how much you press it, shake it, rotate it, slap it and pull it. the last drop of urine for your underwear. ;)

   Only on True Blood can you have a group of guys standing next to eachother buck naked, and have it not be gay.

   I hate sharks! Can't there be a my little pony week?

   Looking through a girls photos and thinking "slut..slut..slut..slut" :D

   What do whales eat? Fish and ships.

   You know you're getting old when you got to scroll down to find your birth year!

   has mistakenly used Axe Freeze in place of body wash and now everything is tingling!!

   girls are afraid to hear the words "its over" from her guy. And you know what guys are afraid to hear?"I'm PREGNANT!!!"

   I can't hear you over the sound of how EPIC I am.

   What could be worse than being a "people of walmart?" Getting busted taking a picture of one. Damn flash!

   My preferred answer to the question "Isn't it a bit early to start drinking?" is "It seems a bit late to be sober."

   I ran this morning and there was nothing chasing me. There is something fundamentally wrong with that.

   Sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say "YOU'RE IT!!" and then run away.

   Since when did M&M's start using W's?

   I don't believe I had ADHD because I, Dude! Did you see that? Do you like apples? Wow! Candy corn! 45+78= What officer? What was I saying?

   NBA rookie of the year was video taped doing 120 mph. In his defense, he claimed that he was being chased by Maury Povich.

   What's common between the sun and women's underwear? a) Both are hot b) Both look better while going down c) Both disappear by night.

   You broke my heart into several pieces. Good! Now I can give it to several girls.

   thinks they should make a Michael Jackson video game