Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   Barbie has an awful lot of nice things for a girl whose knees do not bend.

   I recently met my good friend's dad. All I could think while shaking his hand was, “Gross, my friend came from this guy's balls.” I'm pretty sure it's thoughts like these that separate me from the general public.

   Facebook is like a fridge. When you're bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there's anything good in it.

   Just heard that Snooki was picked up by police for disorderly conduct.. apparently she was caught "orange-handed"

   It's only 9AM and today is already filled with suck.

   never make someone a priority in your life when you are only any option

   our lives are shaped by those who love us, and by those who refuse to love us

   who you love is a reflection of how you love yourself...

   currently kicking a hornet's nest. (i have a feeling this gonna end badly)

   Do homeless people get knock knock jokes???

   Huh?! Me fail english? UNPOSSIBLE!!

   No one is as ugly as his driver's license, nor as good-looking as his Facebook profile pic.

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, there will be a huge baby boom in September 2013.

   things that last longer than a Rick Pitino sexual encounter: 16 second Abs, a Soulja Boy Mix tape, a knock-knock joke, a lap at the Indy 500, a stop light, Brett Favre's retirement, a game of Tippy Cup, an NBA shot clock, Usain Bolt running 200 meters...

   I think I want a 3D bigscreen, now I just need 3 grand....

   I choose my outfit with great care every day, because if today is the day I become a zombie, these are the clothes I'll be wearing forever.

   has thrown games of "Hangman" to intentionally kill that guy.

   Some slut I know posted her Facebook status as "I've just had my period." At first, I thought "Shut up, we don't need to know that. How disgusting." Then I realized it was quite funny as all the dudes she has slept with recently all "liked" it.

   If a man won't lift a finger to see you & spend time with u, it's time for you to lift 5 fingers & wave goodbye!