Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   The diference between inlaws and outlaws...... Outlaws are wanted.

   It takes raw talent to make sushi.

   " I hate it when people radiotype us blondes as dumb."

   I bought a camo shirt the other day and now I can't find the damn thing...

   Did you know that 6 out of the 7 dwarves were not happy?

   " Thanks to the white house staff. I now know what cause my Meorex stock to go up."

   Fox news: oops, "well after all they all do look a like."

   The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.

   Why is it called mooning when you're actually showing uranus?

   With the ban on straws what's left to grasp?

   I answered that Ancestry.com ad and asked for some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over. FML.

   If you have a problem with me, call me and we'll talk about it. If you don't have my number then you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me.

   You never hear anything about the women from Nantucket. I wonder what they are like...

   Scary movie called the Nun is coming out. Nun of the movie is scarier than the previous movie The Priest

   A porta potty is a pretty safe place to fart

   My girlfriend says I spend far too much time on foreplay!...so I'd better pull my finger out!

   Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?

   "You're never too old to learn something stupid."

   So....what do you think of your military parade now?