Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny status message updates for FaceBook or Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon What is the Difference between secretary and personal secretary? Secretary says: Good morning sir! Personal secretary says: Oh my God! Its morning sir
←Rate | 03-05-2018 03:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How about A memorandum of understanding instead of marriage vows.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 09:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In my fantasy you show up wearing nothing but a tool belt and fix the ceiling fan
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going?
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon And then my moral compass passed out.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:27 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most of my life goals don’t even include me in them.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:34 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My life is stitched together with vices.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 10:56 Comments (2)  

   messageicon They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 12:14 by RICARDOGIRON Comments (0)  

   messageicon Winning trade wars is so easy. Just ask George
←Rate | 03-05-2018 12:24 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 13:47 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 13:49 by Jake Comments (2)  

   messageicon We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 21:44 Comments (4)  

   messageicon Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 23:35 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.
←Rate | 03-05-2018 23:41 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife is so bad at housekeeping, that our dog buries his bones in our carpet.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 00:03 by Jake Comments (0)  

   messageicon So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away? Is this a wind up?
←Rate | 03-06-2018 03:58 by Truman Comments (0)  

   messageicon I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.
←Rate | 03-06-2018 08:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon If you eat at McDonald's, I doubt fresh vs frozen beef is your biggest concern...
←Rate | 03-06-2018 08:50 Comments (0)  

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