Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   From now on, whenever my toilet gets clogged I'm going to call it a "top kill."

   I wonder why everyone thinks I'm weird? Everyone in my head thinks I'm awesome!!! :p

   This economy is so bad I actually saw a guy in the back of a limo hand another guy in a limo a bottle of generic yellow mustard.

   Stop laughing at Ziggy. He obviously has a medical condition.

   If Death hands you lemons, just eat them. Peels and all. It really doesn't matter at that point.

   OMG !!! This Jail Cell gets free Wi-Fi !!!

   wears boxers so my ..... can breathe

   Making mirrors look good, since 1979

   That girl is such a drunk. Every time I'm at a bar she's there.

   Sometimes I regret surgically removing my feet and replacing them with wheels... But not today!!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

   Whatever doesn't kill me makes me all like, "Whoa! That was close!"

   Just left the bar. Did you guys know you can leave while you're still able to walk?!

   I have a great sense of humor... --If you don't believe me, look at my Ex!

   Society is never going to make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other.

   I don't think I'll ever reach the age where I'm old enough to know better.

   The point is not everyone is gonna be a millionaire.If you're happy, you're successful.

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only ok if I'm actually taking a shower.

   Today I say a girl riding her bike, I thought to myself what is she doing shouldn't she be in the kitchen?

   The best stuff on earth and I just got better

   Happy 8-9-10 day, now make this day count. (little number humor. haha)