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I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
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07-18-2018 07:21
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A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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07-18-2018 07:22
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My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
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07-18-2018 07:23
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Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
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07-18-2018 07:23
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If at any point in your life you feel useless, just remember there are people on the BMW assembly lines that install turn signals..”
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07-18-2018 07:24
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I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
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07-18-2018 07:25
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You can tell the Beastie Boys were really close because they would finish each other’s sentences.
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07-18-2018 07:25
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All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself enough.
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07-18-2018 07:25
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I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry..
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07-18-2018 07:28
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Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed. Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.
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07-18-2018 07:29
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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07-18-2018 07:30
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I don't know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
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07-18-2018 07:30
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It's funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
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07-18-2018 07:31
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My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
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07-18-2018 07:32
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Every girl wants to be swept off her feet. It's when you try to put them in the trunk that they start to freak out.
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07-18-2018 10:09
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Just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist...last time my neighbor will wake me up on a Saturday morning!
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07-18-2018 20:11 by
BobbyT
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Texbook: a tex message that way too long.
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07-18-2018 22:32 by
Jake
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Woman are the only creatures to defly the laws of gravity. The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
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07-19-2018 00:30 by
Jake
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I wish I was a Unicorn so I could stab people with my head.
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07-19-2018 07:29
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If there was such a thing as a tax on brains Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez would be due a refund.
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07-19-2018 08:24
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