flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Ladies, if he is strumming your pain with his fingers, you should see a doctor

   I'm hoping my parents just keep forgetting to tell me about my trust fund.

   "I know" - best response to someone telling you your fly is open

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary

   I like to think that every time firemen get a call they're like "Yaaay! We get to ride in the truck!" then they laugh & tickle each other

   I wish we could all just get along. Unless you don't like the same music as me; then you can eat sh!t & die in a fire.

   Does this couch I'm laying on make me look unmotivated?

   Just once in my life I want to kick someone out of my office by saying "I said good day sir!" I suppose I'd need an office first.

   I hate when its dark and my brain is like "Hey you know what we haven't thought of in a while?" Monsters.

   How to Stop Cyber Bullying: 1. Close your laptop 2. You Win!!

   I wish running scenarios through my mind burned calories.

   Your body might be trying to tell you something, shut it up with cheese

   If drinking destroys your memory…what does drinking do?

   Why would I trust the Gordon's fisherman? Bad things happen when you "trust" a man in a rain slicker. All he needs is a windowless van

   Today MTV turns 30, and yes I'm old enough to remember when they played music videos

   My life's motto: "Live every week as if its shark week"

   Children grow up so fast. One day they're taking their 1st steps, the next they're taken away after a judge rules you're a negligent parent.

   So did all those kids that had the skate or die t shirts in the 90s die?

   So you say Red Bull just isn't enough kick for you anymore. How about I set you on fire? That will get you up and moving. For a bit anyway.

   I feel a disturbance in the Force. Something tells me that Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins is about to do something stupid.