Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   dont waste your time , because time is money, and money is awesome , so dont waste your awesome

   I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am...

   found $20 under my bed ! my God, my room is so desperate to be cleaned, it's paying me. THE PLAN WORKED

   was just thinking if God didn't want us to masturbate he would have made our arms shorter…maybe thats why the Trex was always so angry?

   Sharkweek is over, jackass. Humming the theme song to 'Jaws' when the boss is approaching our aisle is no longer funny.

   If I don't appear to be listening to you, don't take it personal. I am just not interested in what you're saying.

   I wasn't born or thrust into greatness; I just had the tools and a choice...

   Laptop speakers, too quiet for music, too loud for porn.

   Judge has got a stutter so it doesn't look like I'm getting a sentence.

   As a young child my mom told me I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out the police call it identity theft.

   There's a little Truth behind every JK, a little Curiosity behind every JW, a little Knowledge behind every IDK, and a little Emotion behind every IDC

   I don't take drugs. I'm not even an athlete

   Star Wars: A very long time ago but somehow still in the future

   How come Batman doesn't sleep upside down?

   If an indoor shooting range is burning, what does one scream to inform them?

   Wh I thought that Jet Blue Flight attendant would have been used to bags bouncing off his face.

   The WHO has declared the flu pandemic officially over. It's good news but I'm not sure I trust Roger Daltry.

   wondering what they are saying behind my back

   I think I'm missing a point :| ----->>> ... .....

   statistically, you're twice as likely to be killed by a tipped vending machine than by a shark attack. which makes me wonder why there isn't a "vending machine week"