Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What dad's really would like for father'r day. To be left alone so they can drink their beer in peace.

   Who's your daddy takes on a whole new meaning in the ghetto.

   Ted Cruz beats Jim Kimmel (11-9) in Blobfish basketball classic game

   You would think I am a fugitive on the run the way I react when there is a knock on my door.

   Einstein was a genius. It was his brother Frank that created a monster.

   Look, Do you think I'll now what's up in "Horny Neighbors 3" without seeing the first 2?

   I think I have alzheimer's

   "Don't Kid Yourself" would be a great advertising slogan for a condom company.

   With the rise in self-driving vehicles it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy's pickup truck leaves him too.

   Dear Dos Equis guy: Seriously. What guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world after he's had a few beers?

   Bummer is being sick on your day off.

   The weather guy said I should drink plenty of electrolytes in this heat, does beer have electrolytes? Asking for a friend.

   If you go to sleep at 6am, is that going to sleep early or late?

   When someone says "good luck with that" are they being nice or sarcastic?

   My memory is so bad that.............

   * The difference between trump and kim firing someone trump "YOU'RE FIRED" kin: ready, aim,

   I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.

   I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.

   Day 4 without net neutrality: the kids found a half eaten raccoon we can eat. Grandma is wandering the streets looking for Candy Crush lives. We’re burning furniture to stay warm.

   "Of course you can do a roundhouse kick!" - alcohol