Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So this guy says to his friend "I got a part in a play." And his friend said "What part did you get?" The guy says "I'll be playing a husband." And his friend said "Too bad you didn't get a speaking role."

   An orgy with more than 4 midgets is a snack pack.

   Ever picked up a copy of your x-ray from the doctors office, open the envelope when you get to the car, hold it up to the light and say....."yeah, I have no clue what I'm looking at"?

   Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.

   Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.

   R. Riley is so fat and over-weight, Thanos has to snap twice.

   Say what you will about Trump, he sure is loyal to the country that elected him (Russia).

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

   Walmart won't sell guns to anyone under 21. So if you're 21 or older and angry..... Come on down.

   Breaking news: Justify declines invitation to the White House.

   Nothing lightens up the G7 Summit like a little low-brow humor.

   "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.

   Most kid's grandpas pulled a quarter from their ear . . . mine put a quarter in, twisted my nose, and bubblegum rolled out!!!

   A homeless man asked for money today and instead I gave him my thoughts and prayers. We had a good laugh until he gave me a concussion.

   The North Korean President is just meeting with the US President..He suddenly stood up and said . I Don't need this Crap.. .I'm going to the bathroom for a Trump...

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face

   The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.