Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.

   What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?

   I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.

   Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways.

   Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.

   I used my girlfriend's body wash this morning and now I can't stop replying to text messages with "K"

   I love your enthusiasm, so I’m going to loosen your restraints.

   Sorry I robbed a bank, stole a car and snorted cocaine officer, it was the Ambien.

   When you just want to lick a midget but there’s too many people around.

   My boss told me to ease up on the coffee. He said I keep shorting out the motion sensors.

   Not gonna brag but my neighbors don’t say hi to me

   Some people choose to be victims in life because it's a lot easier than being a winner.

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   Justin Trudeau should have asked Donald Trump what year the War of 1812 took place.

   My wife jabbers so much that when we go to the beach, she has to put suntan lotion on her tongue.

   I spent at least half an hour trying to get my girlfriends bra off. I will never try wearing that again.

   I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.

   The second hand on my watch broke so I went and got a new one at, (you guessed it...) a secondhand store. While I was there I also bought a box of cigars, so this evening I'm enjoying secondhand smoke.

   DAY 126 WITHOUT SEX, I'VE LOST THE HEARING IN MY RIGHT EYE