Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   seeing your past and it hurts, must be L.O.V.E.... seeing your piss and it hurts, must be S.T.D...

   Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....

   I Cant imagine how boring taking a $hit would be without an iphone..

   Mom, I'm 16 now. Can I have a Bra? ...No, Justin.

   Looking through a girls photos and thinking "slut..slut..slut..slut" :D

   I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

   16-year-old Taylor Momsen says her best friend is her vibrator. In other news, Justin Bieber says he never goes anywhere without his buttplug.

   On an upcoming episode of "man vs wild" Bear encounters a crododile, shark invested waters and his most dangerous incounter, an out of control jet blue flight attendent.

   whenever somebody says "Stop Laughing! It's not funny you guys" means "It's funny, just lets please laugh about it later"

   There has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. This is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Mom: With always having to pick up after you kids you'd think I'd be skinny. Kid: Just think how big you'd be if you didn't...

   so for some reason actually saw 5 minutes of twilight which has me placing garlic in all the toilets because pretty sure that's how vampires now enter your house

   It's never a good sign when you've exhausted your daily website routine within the first hour of being at work.

   Kids today will never experience the joy and excitement of hearing the sound of dial up internet actually connecting.

   Man, that .01% of germs that can't be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad ass sh*t.

   I hate when I plan out a conversation with someone in my head and they don't follow the script.

   They say behind every successful man is a woman. So whoever you are, come out here where I can see your face!

   "I've just about had it with you using up all my patience!"

   How come nobody ever says "everything happens for a reason" after something good happens?

   this is not a joke.....if an application for a dislike button comes up on your facebook DO NOT OPEN IT....it is a scam.Just thought I'd warn you folks!