Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not here for your sexual fantasies

   An auto-flush urinal made me feel insecure about my manhood by flushing while I was peeing, as if to say "nothing registers as being there."

   I may not know karate but I do know crazy.

   Some people find themselves spending more time on their ex's FB page more then they spent time on their ex period.

   Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal? Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   I got so drunk last night I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   Following a successful off-season surgery, Favre appears ready to return for his 20th NFL season.... lobotomies must heal fairly quickly.

   don't take to heart anything I say. My opinions are just that...MY opinions. Nothing I say can be set in stone, besides I don't even own a chisel.

   went to Benjamin Moore and learned that her skin color is Pueblo Sand. Which is too bad, because we're in a race war with the people who are Classic Taupe.

   People are busting my balls because I still have a landline. I can't get rid of it though because it matches my abacus....

   Don't interfere with anything in the Constitution. That must be maintained, for it is the only safeguard of our liberties. Abraham Lincoln

   Just spent several minutes looking at photos of Gwyneth Paltrow in a bikini. Now I'm going to cure cancer...

   A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. Abraham Lincoln

   It would be amazing if hyenas could watch a bunch of '80's films and start to employ the slow clap when being particularly derisive...

   A rolling stone gathers no moss, and that's the last time I hire Keith Richards to do my landscaping...

   I gave up smoking,I gave up drinking,I try to exercise,I try to eat right......apparently this means I will live longer but the trouble is I am boreeeeed

   David Hasselhoff's liver is soo shriveled, black and dead, if you put your ear to the side of it, you can hear it going: ‘What you talkin' about Willis?"

   Cats have nine lives...which makes them perfect for experimenting on...

   I've started keeping two lists: "To do" and "Too late"