Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5676 of 6369
Can someone please buy the Kardashian's a box of condoms, thanks
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05-20-2018 12:59
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Going back to bed is my favourite coping mechanism.
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05-20-2018 13:01
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It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.
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05-20-2018 17:01
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Almond milk? I didn't even know almonds had nipples.
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05-20-2018 21:33 by markf
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I think it's rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
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05-20-2018 21:34
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We all just need someone who will tie us to the bedpost and tell us everything is going to be alright.
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05-20-2018 23:09
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I just ordered a plunger and a spatula on Amazon so next time you order one and it recommends the other, you can thank me
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
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05-21-2018 07:39
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Admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.
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05-21-2018 07:43
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If your kid graduates high school you were smart and voted for Trump.
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05-21-2018 09:04 by Degree101
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Why is the devil 😈 tryin to be my bff?…
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05-21-2018 14:36
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Butt stuff? God no. I'm a proper lady, and only use my butt hole for smuggling drugs.
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05-21-2018 15:15
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A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
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05-21-2018 17:43
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Remember getting your first athletic protective cup as a kid and you and your fellow players would test them by kicking each other in the junk? Or was that just me and my weird friends?
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05-21-2018 23:30
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Dating Tip: if she says she likes cats, push her plate off the table.
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05-22-2018 07:50
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Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.
Just got catcalled by a construction worker, again. Why can't men realize that we just want to walk down the sidewalk without someone calling out "hey that cement is wet!"
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05-22-2018 07:59
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How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
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05-22-2018 10:45
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USA had 288 school shootings since 2009. In second place, we have France with 2. What are we doing wrong?
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05-22-2018 11:36
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Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.