Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I held the door for a lady at the Post Office because she had a huge box..

   When is the excessive use of the word 'swagg' going to die already. Getting tired of hearing it in every rap song. Bad enough people don't even know the true meaning of it.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out but the only way I can shut the B*tch up is with cookies.

   Ent*tlement Programs are nothing but a massive ‘Ponzi' scheme that has been perpetrated on the American worker

   Michael Cera, Jay Baruchel, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jesse Eisenberg and whinging Dev Patel (star of THE LAST AIRBENDER) are one dimensional, talentless and unattractive.

   I'm beginning to hate these whiny liberal groups!!!!!! Always crying about something.

   To the woman at WalMart with all those screaming, unruly kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your cart when your head was turned. You are so welcome!

   Alright! Drunk me from last night made hungover me some epic sandwiches for lunch today. Man, I love that guy!" :)

   google 'waynesworld'... its gonna be bigger than crapbook

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   figured out when ordering at Starbucks, it pretty much works out to $1 a word

   Never hold your farts in. They go up your Spine then into your mind and that's where you're shi*ty idea's come from!"

   The playground for success is a mere paradox to the reality in which we live

   someone told me I am immature and need to grow up...so guess who is not allowed in my treehouse now

   There's a new social networking site for girls with great bodies but not so great faces. It's called Butterfacebook

   Does anyone think that Snooki's latest "Disorderly Conduct at the Beach" have to do with her stomach being out?

   Zipper vs. Penis .... Who ya got??

   wonders if rappers know that Ben Franklin was never president of the USA.

   Just think of all the millions and millions of people Dr Laura will help by being off the air