Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This day has been pointless… Kinda like Halle Berry topless in ‘Swordfish'….. Pointless!

   i hate when I drive behind someone at the mall and they just walk to their car sit inside put in on reverse and never pull out untill I drive off

   Every since I bought this shake weight . I'm putting way too much salt on my food!!

   I'm embarrassed that I can't last very long when using the Shake Weight.

   says, When Ronald Reagen was president we had Bob Hope and Johnny Cash. Now it's ONLY Obama with NO Hope and NO Cash.....!!!!

   aww, I feel really bad, I was sitting in the club havn a drink with some friends and a random girl tried chatting me up, all I said to her was ''would you like some face with your make up''....haha was funny though! Oi cake face!! Haha

   is thinkin'....Hey Charmin...I'm not a bear...my family and I DON'T get toilet paper stuck on our butts when we wipe....can you PLEASE think of a new ad campaign.... No. For Real. This one sucks...and it's starting to make me boycott EVER buying Charmin.

   thinkin'....HEY! Guy on the Orajel commercial...Orajel is not to be substitued for seeing an 'actual' dentist....if your tooth is achin' for that long... it's probably rotting out of your mouth...and you might need to get that checked out....

   If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

   Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

   how selfish are my neighbours to have a pin number on thier wifi.....rude that's what I call it!

   Dear My Head, Please start doing your job and kindly remove yourself from My Ass. And while ur down there please tell my liver I'm sorry. Thank you.

   Besides the fact that random people are bursting into flames walking down the street, It's beautiful outside!

   I'm right 97% of the time...so why does my wife always find fault with the other 4% ?

   already has 99 problems... and ur becoming the 100th one

   Seriously folks, only go in the fast lane if you know how to use it. If you have 2 or more cars directly behind you, you obviously aren't using it correctly.

   I dont see why facebook feels the need to notify me everyday that some of you have changed your profile picture. Unless your naked...I dont give a sh%t

   and three hundred of his friends DIDNT change their profile picture

   Law of Karma operates for nations as much as it does for individuals. Look at the devastation caused by floods in Pakistan. Divine punishment ?

   I went to my first la party the other night and my ex-boyfriend was there with his new girlfriend.. he is so dumb though he came up to me and said "yuck, I thought I smelled you here".....