Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I always knew that one day I'd end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn't expect everyone to keep on bowling. . .
←Rate | 04-18-2018 19:30 Comments (0)  


   messageicon For all the lazy people Heinz has come out with Mayochup to put on your burgers. It's ketchup and mayonnaise in one squeeze bottle.
←Rate | 04-18-2018 20:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm pretty sure Jesus Christ is not saying "You can bang all the porn stars you want, as long as you glue a plastic fish on your car's bumper".
←Rate | 04-18-2018 21:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Who else's favorite Spring time game is "Guess how deep that pothole really is."
←Rate | 04-18-2018 22:01 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Most all the women I meet in bars think I have a nice butt. Because as I walk away from them after talking to them. I hear them say "what an ass."
←Rate | 04-18-2018 23:09 by Jake Comments (0)  


   messageicon My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 01:48 by Kisstopher707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I remember once upon a time I was a beloved son, now I’m just an internet troll.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Wanna see awkward? Hand me a baby.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I baked you some cookies They’re in the garbage
←Rate | 04-19-2018 02:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round 🍎🍆🍇🍓🍒🍐🍉🍍 you go home smelling like fruit salad.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:18 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:20 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If there is a Little Debbie then that means somewhere out there is Large Deborah and don't dare touch her cakes
←Rate | 04-19-2018 07:59 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A guy in a leather jacket told me that if I gave him a hundred dollars he'd give me three hundred back in a month. It sounded too good to be true, but then I realized that it was just a Fonzi scheme.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 08:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The bravest man in the world is the prince from Sleeping Beauty because waking up a tired woman can go sideways very fast.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Trump has repeatedly broken at least 4 of the 10 commandments: Adultery, theft, dishonesty, and coveting. Doesn't read the bible, go to church, ask for forgiveness from God, or repent. Yet the evangelical support him against the will of God.
←Rate | 04-19-2018 11:53 Comments (0)  




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