Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Inside me lives a skinny man crying to get out, but I can usually shut him up with cookies.

   Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

   dropped in an upholstery machine. He is fully re-covered now.

   laughing at "suggested" friends that he will never be friends with

   It would be very helpful to me if the rest of you would please stop striving for excellence. Thanks!

   I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.

   if the shoe fits, buy one in every color.

   . . . I know I'm in my own little world, but it's okay, they know I'm here.

   I just opened my wheelie bin and a wasp flew out. Now what kind of sick person would do that?

   I have reasons to believe the term 'More bang for your buck' was first used by Hookers..

   Never go to bed angry - Stay awake and plot your revenge!

   why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

   if you get your information from Oprah, don't talk to me

   Some call it stalking. I call it love.

   Support the fine arts, shoot a rapper.

   running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.

   the man from nantucket.

   What a loser I must be, I didn't even qualify to take a freaking free survey

   Condoms hidden, plates and dishes washed, toilet tissue put in dispenser, fruits bought, bed made, bathtub washed, house cleaned and vacuumed, gospel music playing, TV turned on to CNN. MY PARENTS ARE VISITING IN AN HOUR AM SET!!

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.