Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.

   I'll be back soon. I have to go to the bathroom and take a massive Trump.

   Today is January the 96th

   Your fridge uses up more power when it’s empty. Basically it’s expensive to be poor.

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   Check if your kids are asleep in their bed late at night by turning off the wifi.

   Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

   Anytime I’m sad, I picture a T-Rex playing the accordion and that usually cheers me right up.

   We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.

   There’s an active shooter situation going on in my pants.

   I wanted to be an astronaut until I found out they make you come back.

   I make self-sabotage look like an art form.

   love is out there, kinda like the zodiac killer is still out there too, so good luck.

   We wipe our )( blind, but we put our deodorant on using a mirror...

   According to this IRS form, I multiply line 32 by the opposite number of my dependents plus the logarithm of the number on line 17 unless my shirt has a front pocket and WAAAAA!! brain explodes

   Had 21 minutes of doggie style sex last night. That's 3 minutes in human time.

   To have a happy marriage assume your wife is always right.

   The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.

   Why are there braille dots on the drive up ATM keys ?

   Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.