Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Key to any successful marriage is to discuss everything together and then finally settling with the wife's decision

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account

   effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   If you don't like Trump...leave the country.simple as that.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   Drinking with your significant other is always a fun time so please respect our privacy at this crucial time.

   When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button.

   Switching off my mother inlaw's life support machine was very difficult. I had to fight off a doctor, a nurse and two security guards. Beeeeeeeep

   Fun fact: Easter is April 1st. The last time Easter was on April 1st was in 1956. And the next time willbe 2029.

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   Anything is possible when you have no clue what you're talking about

   Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone

   What you read here may or may not be about you; but if you see yourself in it, then don't rage at the mirror

   I hate when I say something stupid in a conversation and then it gets stuck in my head for the next 20 years

   I only date girls who like the series "Lost" because they are used to disappointment

   Whenever a convo is going badly and you want out, just say "and that's when I became a vegan."

   1998: That guy is using a cell phone, probably a drug dealer. 2018: That guy is using a payphone, probably a drug dealer.

   I took some bad medicine and have been out for a while. What did I miss? Is Kanye president?