Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish James J. Lee had watched CNN News instead of the Discovery channel.

   Free samples shouldn't be limited to ice cream stores. How can I be sure this fifth of Vodka is worth the 6 dollars without a quick chug?

   When I see a bumper sticker that says "Bring home the Troops," I mentally finish the sentence with "then send in the Ninjas."

   They should really replace, "I now pronounce you man and wife" with "FINISH HIM!!!" (mortal combat music blasting)

   "No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends. Seriously it's not rocket science.

   w Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Noback to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine.

   The economy is so bad, a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

   We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And some people still wonder why some are afraid when they are told they are loved.

   Wonders...Do you think the guy that invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "If you build it, they will come"

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   i can ride my bike with no handlebars no handlebars no handle *crashes*

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   Thinks he should change his name to TomTom. I have had at least 5 people today stop and ask me for directions. I guess I look like a guy who knows where he is going… If they only new the truth, LoL

   never shout out "Fruit Cake" at a gay wedding. You never know who your gonna offend."

   so someone just told me that, that isn't a water fountain in the bathroom it is something called a bidet, sure works well as a water fountain though

   Happy Birthday old friend...(note to self) keep fire extinquisher handy just in case.

   Just realized me and Eminem could never be in a relationship cause I was be scared he would wanna tie me to the bed and set the house on fire!!