Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So this package explosion situation in Texas. Are we blaming the person or the packages? Asking for a friend

   if the Earth is flat, then my belly is too.

   My love life is terrible. The last woman I was inside of was the statue of liberty.

   After 10 years of marriage my wife finally made me happy in the bedroom. She put in a 42'' tv a min fridge full of beer and she sleeps in the spare bedroom.

   My wife could not deside who to marry me or another guy who proposed to her. So she tossed a coin. I lost.

   I can't believe I'm still having nightmares about Sharknado.

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want, they send me a text message with my Account balance. I do however think that adding "LOL" at the end of the message is really unnecessary

   If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements

   We all have at least one of those creepy friends who are sure to comment on a Facebook post/status when they see a female comment first

   If your kid is almost old enough for social media, Make sure you have the "We need the talk" thingy soon. You know advising him about the usage of your/you're and there/their/they're.

   Seriously Gas stations need to start having Happy Hours O Something of that sort

   That awkward moment in a business meeting when your boss tells you to "Quit clicking that damn pen!" but you need to click it one more time to write with it.

   These Bombings in Austin Could Have Been Avoided With Bomb Control Laws... Raising Bomb Making Age to 21 & "Bomb Free Zones"

   The DOW has drop to its lowest point of all time! Let's celebrate!

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.

   With all the white house leaks, they should lay in a supply of depends.

   With all the misspelled words trump has tweeted. I hope he never tweets "Preparing to launch." In stead of "lunch"

   Since Easter sunday is also April fool's day as a April fool's prank. Besides dyeing raw eggs (That I mention in an earlies status) I also willbe substituting the candy choclate balls with chocolate covered brussel sprouts.

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.