flinnie Funny Status Messages

   The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she's going to get me something.

   There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press "door close" in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars

   Do people who work in those office supply stores steal stuff from their homes to use at work?

   with all due respect, officer, you were also going that fast.

   What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ''K'' instead of ''OK''?

   The Walking Dead reminds you that other people would still be your biggest problem even if most of them died.

   The store sign said the cashier has less than $20.. So I said "hang in there buddy!" and I gave him a quarter.

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.

   The real reason I'm not a superhero.... Pockets,I need my pockets.

   If you live in a custom-built house that doesn't have a secret room hidden behind a fake bookcase, then seriously what is the point?

   Parrot kept me up til three in the morning. He had a case of the hiccups. Finally figured out he was just imitating my hiccups from earlier.

   I could amaze you with the things I don't know and terrify you with the things I do

   "What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I'm saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!" -anyone dating Taylor Swift

   Dog just farted so bad his fleas jumped off

   I wear my heart on my sleeve and my lunch on the entire front part.

   Protip: If your turkey tastes like bird flavored jello, it is undercooked.

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting

   Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you're a 3 year-old with annoying parents.

   It's hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.