Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it when my friends find out I'm going drinking they always say “drink one for me” NO I'm not gonna drink one for you. If you really one a beer that bad, pay me for it or come with me.

   Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters into own hands.

   Someone once said to me "You use to be normal.." I looked behind me and said "Who the hell are you talking to?"

   If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.

   I feel like X and Z are the cool letters sitting in the back of the alphabet, only showing up in words they like.

   I sure did waste a lot of time as a kid practicing my autograph.

   Don't forget, every hand you shake has recently wiped an ass.

   The Wonderbra has truth in advertising. She takes it off, I wonder where the boobs went.

   I think I could start a pretty successful company that makes nothing but excuses.

   Never do anything for money. Unless it's a lot of money. Then do anything.

   If I were president the first thing I'd do is put Kansas City in Kansas.

   Everybody has a box somewhere with some weird sh*t in it.

   I hate auto flush sh*tters. All that work without being able to see the result just seems like a waste.

   Why burp when you can fart? You're cheating your ass out of a good time.

   I'm dving behind someone who is obviously scared of his gas pedal.

   If America had a slogan it'd be "Don't bother me, I'm eating."

   I'm working on my resume. Should I use the term "mad skillz" or would "mad skills" be more formal?

   It's fun to email news headlines to a buddy when a hurricane has the same name as his ex. "Hermine leaves trail of destruction", "Hermine won't stop blowing in Gulf Coast". Yeah, that's her alright.

   Those high powered hand dryers are awesome for getting your hands dry in three seconds, and as an added bonus I now know what my hands would look like if they ever went sky diving.

   Since M&M's have been saturating the market with various different types of flavors and centers, here's an idea for them: put mini M&M's inside regular ones and voilà! M&M's Pregnants.