Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I guess the foot's on the other hand now, isn't it Kramer?

   you're all invited to my bachelor party! Granted, I'm not even getting married. But thats not a reason to not have a night out with my buddies with beer and strippers!

   While getting dressed this morning, I decided I have been spending waaaaay too much time on the computer, when I caught myself checking the lower right corner of my make-up mirror to see what time it was.

   Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

   Sexual abuse by clergy, it's not just for Catholics anymore.

   is reading his friends' drunken late night what's on their mind posts. Common themes seem to be trying to get laid, "drama" and having "one more" drink.

   had a scab on his knee that fell off today. He is a sore loser.

   Some people should "dance like no one's looking" where I can't see them.

   Ashton Kutcher is trading in for a new model.....and I aint talking about cars.....

   Hey Ashton, when Demi is too old to kick it, I'm available!

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real accomplishment.

   Love don't cost a thing." Except a lot of tears, a broken heart, and wasted years.

   Remember this next time you're about to say something stupid to me: Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

   A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet."

   What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved

   Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   Women should come with a log book of past activities

   Instead of tagging me in ugly pictures on Facebook, I wish you could just say "I hate you" straight to my face.

   I love piecing my night together one drunk text at a time.