Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Silence is golden. Unless you have a house full of young kids.

   I paid for my wife to have a breast reduction. The doctor goes, "Ah, she wants a loppatittyoffamee."

   And in the news today. Keith Richards is not dead yet. . .

   Moron is more of a complement, compare to the other terms people use.

   *coughs for 5 minutes straight* **checks for abs**

   Puppet theft is getting out of hand!

   How am I supposed to get any work done with all this work I have to do?

   The ocean is so deep that most people can't fathom it.

   Whether you follow your head or you heart, be careful. One of them is clearly an idiot!

   New walking dead movie coming out, featuring Keith Richards. . .

   R.I.P. Rosie O'Donnell. Oh, sorry. It was Hugh Hefner who died. I thought it said Huge Heifer.

   Don't be sad over the things you lost. Be grateful for the things you still have. Enjoy your day. :)

   Got my popcorn ready to pop. Sodas chilling in the refrigerator. While waiting for the Apprentice tapes to be released. MAGA.

   D: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea ? P: I don't know. D: I never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

   For no reason at all Smash Mouth's "All Star" is stuck in my head. I'm sorry to do this to you, but if I go down, we all go down.

   How come they don't show Breaking Bad reruns on the Cooking Channel?

   I told a girl in the grocery store that she drew her eyebrows on way to high. She just stood there with a surprised look on her face.

   I walked into a room where men were wearing capes, expecting great things. Then I see that it is a barbershop.

   Ya! Trump says one thing will work when it comes to N. Korea. Bomb the deal out of them. I support that!

   Allow me to demonstrate how I feel. *throws agitated cat in your face*