Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most wives don't mind if their husband bring some work home to do. But my sister does, her husband is a mortician.

   A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

   it's no coincidence that "twitter" has a bird logo and somehow every pigeon in my neighborhood knows when I just finished washing my car.

   Just remember son -- when you text a girl, you are also texting at least 5 of her friends.

   A person who says that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me. Has never been hit with a large dictionary.

   I think hurricanes with male names should be called "himicanes."

   CNN, FOX, MSNBC. I'm not a fan of any biased news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel and one channel only. The Cartoon Network.

   The difference between a Socialist and a legitimate homeless guy holding a sign on a street corner, is the guy with the sign is at least putting forth SOME degree of effort to support himself.

   Happy Labor Day! The day we remember those long, grueling hours endured by women giving birth after reaching 10cm dilated.

   8 out of 10 people would rather destroy the planet than give up their jobs. Irony at its finest.

   North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has a hydrogen bomb at breakfast, a submarine ballistic missile at lunch and has one of his uncles executed at dinner

   I think Prince was hallucinating when he wrote "When Doves Cry". Has anyone ever actually heard a dove cry?

   You're never too old to be spanked. If you play your cards right.

   If you're ever in a bathroom & see a glory hole; a fun thing to do is attach a hornet nest to it.

   Do you know why it's mandatory for female paratroopers to wear pants ? It's to prevent them from whistling on their way down.

   :) Sometimes it's best to be quiet to be heard.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows

   I hate how others want to remove my southern history from existence. Too bad I don't know much about southern history and I assume a lot of things in it.

   Ladies, when you have an ass as fine as the north star, wise men will want to follow it.