Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   Old people tell the best stories.....

   I used to be in a band called 'Missing Cat'................. You probably saw our posters.

   Over/Under - Brett Farve: 70 sexting messages to NY woman while in town.

   I'd rather pump a soap dispenser a thousand times to get a trace amount of soap than spend the same amount of time refilling it.

   Hey New York....Hide your lady's, Brett Farve is in town and he brought his iphone.

   Facebook: making people think we really know their birth date

   I think Ben Roethlisberger got his hands on Brett Favre's phone??

   How to get comments on facebook......oops I thought this was google

   the accident that is causing you to be stuck in traffic this morning? It's Brooks Conrad's fault...

   Happy " My you natives have some nice land...allow us to bring you diseases and steal it all from you" Day.........

   Dear gas station owners, instead of selling condoms and novelty items in your restrooms, how about you sell toilet paper that doesn't make your butthole bleed? Just a thought.

   In other news, Farve says those texts and voicemails were intended to go to his wife. Jenn Sterger picked them off and took them to the house.

   "Get off my lawn!" First native words spoken to Christopher Columbus.

   My parents used to tell me that if the ice cream man was playing his music it meant he had none left.....how cruel!!! and nmore-so why would he still drive into my street? just to taunt me!!??? I was an idiot child!!

   IDK what it is about gum, but I suddenly feel so much sassier when I chew it!!

   thinks that if we were germs, I would be the 1% bad ass that lysol can never kill!!

   Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?

   True friends stab you in the front!

   hey YOU...I'm Sorry, did my back hurt your knife?