Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words... "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
←Rate | 07-12-2017 13:08 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is no logical reason why short pants should cost the same as long pants.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 13:11 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Tila Tequila says in interview that she's a hardcore conservative. It's no wonder why she thinks the earth is flat.
←Rate | 07-12-2017 16:16 Comments (2)  


   messageicon Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you've gone Commando a few times in your life.
←Rate | 07-13-2017 08:27 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I don't get it. The Bible is not allowed in public schools but is encouraged in prisons. Maybe if we allowed the Bible in schools there would be less people in prison. Ever think of that?
←Rate | 07-13-2017 08:39 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's probably called almond milk because nut juice doesn't sound as enticing..
←Rate | 07-13-2017 09:12 by Yaj Comments (3)  


   messageicon People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
←Rate | 07-13-2017 09:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she's just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod..
←Rate | 07-13-2017 11:41 by JayMoney Comments (1)  


   messageicon Tonight the Mrs and I are having Netflix and Hide from adult responsibilities
←Rate | 07-13-2017 12:20 by @UncleBSolomon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Doctor: Sir, you will have to stop masterbating. Me: Why?? Dr: Because I'm trying to take your blood pressure.
←Rate | 07-13-2017 15:10 Comments (1)  


   messageicon Just found out the my emotional support dog is a Hillary Clinton supporter how depressing :)
←Rate | 07-14-2017 05:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!
←Rate | 07-14-2017 06:57 by XX-FOXY Comments (0)  


   messageicon Congress is so strange. Someone gets up to speak, says nothing, nobody listens, and then everybody disagrees.
←Rate | 07-14-2017 07:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The key to happiness is self-delusion. Try not to think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.
←Rate | 07-14-2017 07:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wish the media and politicians would stop jumping to delusions.
←Rate | 07-14-2017 18:58 by Pj Comments (0)  


   messageicon I dont usually like to brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding
←Rate | 07-15-2017 01:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Instead of bashing what you hate, try smashing what you love.
←Rate | 07-15-2017 07:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Its so hot outside, the little devil that sits on my shoulder trying to be a bad influence just jumped off my shoulder and started digging his way back to hell.
←Rate | 07-15-2017 17:55 by Glenn M Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
←Rate | 07-15-2017 18:09 by Jw12ace Comments (0)  


   messageicon It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.
←Rate | 07-15-2017 23:32 Comments (0)  




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