Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I sneeze and you're sitting next to me, it is acceptable to bless me. If I sneeze and you're 50 feet across the room from me, no need to shout at me unless you're the pope."

   ‎I don't remember anything from last night. Somebody must've put something in my drink". Yeah. If this was a game of Clue I'd have to go with "the bartender, In the club, with the vodka."

   Nothing's more satisfying than when "the one that got away" turns into "whew, dodged that bullet."

   It's tough to judge nonverbal cues from someone with an eyepatch. Did that pirate just wink at me or are they blinking?"

   Somewhere, a smart Lasik surgeon has an office full of brochures that are all slightly out of focus."

   Don't you hate it when people start a whole conversation off you're status? C'mon guys, get a WALL!"

   What happens in an exam : Tik tok , Mind block , Pen stop , Eye pop , Full shock , Jaw drop , Time up , No Luck

   someday I'll sit down with my grandchildren to watch "Airplane" and they'll say, "I can't believe they used to just let people get on planes"

   sometimes I wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss!

   not superstitious. maybe just a little stitious

   How come some people always think they have to have the last text?

   Furnace quit working and I woke up to a house that was 59 degrees. For a minute there, I thought I was married again:)

   While driving yesterday, I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it......thanks a lot Mario Kart.

   Why oh why do people use an apostrophe to make a word plural? An apostrophe s is only used to show possession (Jane's books) or a contraction for "is" (she's late for work). Get it?

   Some git has stolen a pair of my wifes knickers of the washing line shes not bothered just wants the 22 pegs back

   Can't we just b friends????....a consolation prize for all those wasted years

   Whatever you do DO NOT look the bell ringers in the eye's...

   Justin Bieber Found To Be Cleverly Disguised 51-Year-Old Pedophile

   I still miss my ex – But guess what? My Aim is getting better

   Some things time cannot erase. That's why alcohol exists.