Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington

   you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

   "Do they know it's christmas time at all?" Yeah they should. They made most of the presents.

   Dear Santa, please let me take a look of your good girls gone bad list.

   *WARNING* My caffeine level is dangerously LOW! Approach at your own risk! (this has been a public service announcement)

   Cheer up Prince Charles! They only vandalised your car with a bit of white paint. It's not like they deliberately chased your car into a tunnel during the night and murdered you.

   When I arrive some place, I will sit in my car an just listen n wait for a favorite song to end. :D like this if you do the same!

   Why cant Christmas colors be somthing other than red and green, I run so many redlights driving downtown thinking they are just Christman lights!

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   Tonight reinforced my long standing belief: In regards to females, Single, Sane, Attractive. Pick two.

   Poems that don't rhyme are just really weird sentences that make people feel awkward.

   To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

   I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

   I dont even call it a hangover anymore. I just call it ''morning''.

   not looking for a slut....just someone with slut-like tendencies.....

   So if Jesus came down from heaven, do you think the Ghostbuster's Proton Packs would work on him?

   Guess who has The Addams Family theme song stuck in their head?...... You. *snap snap*

   Be patient girls, Cinderella didn't find her Prince Charming till the end.

   Sometimes the feelings we start to have again are feelings that never really went away in the first place.

   Fine don't text me back then. It's not like I'm obsessively checking my phone or anything.