Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's nothing like a visit from an out of town friend to point out how little I actually know about the city I live in.

   I'm not a tease, I'm just a reminder of what you can't have

   Dear Santa: This year instead of a gift wish list, I'm sending a list of people I would like to see disappear. Thank you.

   Like a lot of men, this gum has severely understimated how long it will last.

   Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron broke up

   in the latest News: Officials found a cell phone under Charles Manson's mattress...and you thought getting a text from Brett Favre was weird.

   Loves all the Global Warming non-believers talking about 15 inches of snow being proof there's no threat. Yeah idiots. Global warming means no snow... and the Earth is flat.

   If a real fat man grabs you & throws you in a bag don't panic it's just santa collecting his ho's. I'm updating this in the bag. Bring alcohol!

   I decided the perfect gift for one of my friends a Chia pet!! lol..Why is it that Chia pets come on every commercial this time of yr but the other 11 months there never advertized on TV? Do they hibernate for 11months outta the yr or something?!?!?! Cha-c

   Who among us has not proclaimed into the whir of a fan, "Luke. I am your father."

   Oh the weather outside can bite me. My car won't start to spite me. I can't feel my freakin' nose. Winter Blows Winter Blows Winter Blows

   *<]:{ > Dear Santa, This year all I want for Christmas is thick hair and a thin body and please don't get it backwards like you did last year [:p

   I'm hosting a rave in Rome, Italy. What a Riot!

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   You don't drag a woman out of a strip club! You put a twenty in your zipper and you back out, slowly.

   Know how I know there's no such thing as soy milk? Because there's no soy titty, is there?

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left

   Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday, your life sucks.

   Women get $5000.00 for donating eggs. Men get fifty bucks for donating sperm. Fifty bucks? I got a towel next to the bed that's worth $200,000.00

   Getting a fat girl drunk is expensive, it's like filling up a Winnebago with super unleaded.