Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.

   Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

   I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

   Just signed all my Facebook friends up for free samples of Astroglide. Happy Holidays!

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.

   Although your check in at Taco Cabana makes me hungry, we DO NOT need to know your pin point location on a daily basis. Unless your out of town or at a cool strip club, keep your daily errands to yourself.

   If it wasn't meant to be I really wish you would have told me sooner.

   I swear my alarm clock asked me to karate chop it this morning...

   Everyone has that one key on their keyring that they have no idea what it's for.

   When someone says they know a person just like me and I have to meet them, I know that when I meet them I'll be insulted.

   Right now I feel like that one fry that somehow ends up in the onion rings.

   They say that hard work never killed anybody, but did you ever know anyone who rested to death?

   Xmas is derived from a mixture of Greek and English. Greeks used X as the symbol for Chi, Christo or Xristo. X is the Greek symbol for Christ. In early Christian times, X was used as the symbol for Christ himself.

   use to walk to school uphill both ways in waist high snow in sub below zero temps just like my dad.

   You know when you are on Facebook too much when you get your paycheck after taxes then you put "dislike" on it.

   For those who are upset when they see the word Xmas, just know that the Old English word (12th Century) for Christmas begins with X. The Greek word for Christ (which the English word derives) begins with the Greek letter "chi", or X. So its use is proper

   WOW! Good news from the doc... It's not a growth on my ass, just a stuck turd...

   Am I being picky when I say "Please leave 'Christ' in Christmas"? I know it's a little thing, but, by writing 'X-mas' it seems to me that we are taking out the whole reason we even celebrate this holiday just to save a few key strokes . Just my opinion of

   I don't understand the whole gay marriage debate. Why would they want to ruin a perfectly good relationshp by getting married?