Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wii should make beer pong... tired of losing to my son in all the games HE'S good at

   Dear Santa, Let me explain about last year..

   Apparently riding the dog like it's a small horse is FROWNED UPON in this ESTABLISHMENT!

   When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them?

   Renaming my wifi network to 'Police Surveillance Van #2'. That should keep the neighbors peeking out the windows toes for a while

   I ain't been around the world yet...... But I've been around the sun 24 times

   Sarah Palin on fact-finding mission to Arkansas: "We need to find out why birds are dying before they can be shot."

   On my 8th slice of pizza watching the bigget loser!! Time to make a change!! Where's the remote??

   Well, I guess people in Arkansas don't have to worry about bird flu this year...

   I think that all P0rn movies could have the exact same title....."Sh t That Will Never Happen to You"

   what if she has a boyfriend.. Soccer has a goaly too ;)

   flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!

   while it is true there are plenty of other fish in the sea, its also true most aren't even close to being a trophy.

   I am so glad they make smart phones for dumb folks like me! Make me realize how slow I really am. 50,000 apps to choose from and I have trouble figure out what to make for frigging dinner.

   No status avalible, damaged brain cells need time to be restored due to the excessive amount of holiday drinking

   Im not crazy, my reality is just different then yours. :)

   Come on ppl what a bad start to the new year pull ur socks up and get funny already

   My mother never understood the irony in calling me a ”son-of-a-b!tch.”

   It's 2011, you think we would have toothpaste the doesn't ruin orange juice by now.

   Scientists remain baffled over the reason why thousands of birds fell from the sky in an apparent mass suicide....... And in other news, Rosie O'donnell was seen hang-gilding naked over Arkansas.... Film at 11.......