Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

   For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

   Milestone Alert: This is my 100th Post From a toilet....I'd like to thank the fine people from Mcdonalds for making this post possible!!!

   Most people find it difficult to accept change. But from my experience its impossible to get strippers to accept it.

   Confucius says ....well nothing anymore actually. The man has been dead since 479 BC!

   When I was 18 I used to worry that I didn't do it enough, now that I'm over 40 I worry I might have to do it.

   Thank you drive thru worker man for not only making me ask for ketchup but for also giving me only 2 packages for my large fry.

   somedays you're the duck, somedays you're the goose.

   thinks Cupid should upgrade to a crossbow and dip his arrows in Rohypnol to help out the really ugly people.

   you will have "im a barbie girl" in your head in 2 seconds.(:

   If you're going to poke me, you better buy me dinner first.

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   Facebook is basically a crazy house. People poke each other all day, have an imaginary pet, farm, and city, talk to walls, and have random arguments with people.

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   feels incredibly overwhelmed by all the work I have to do today... Of course, the responsible thing to do is to update my Facebook status.

   UPDATE: In the wake of Starbucks announcing a new, bigger size yesterday, McDonalds will come out with a 400-pound McNugget.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   Whenever I see a fat white girl smoking a Newport I know a mulatto baby is on the way.

   I wish I could make it illegal for anyone to wake up before 6am.

   At a Drive-Thru I think they should ask you to let them know when your ready as opposed to what you want to order. Cuz we are never ready as soon as we drive up.