Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If everyday were payday, my wife would be such a nicer person.

   Dear Wednesday, I sincerley hate you. Your nothing compared to Friday !!

   just read Snooki doesnt wanna be called "Snooki" anymore. so what do we call her now? I say we call her "Annoying Orange" or is that taken?

   When Kraft writes "To open push here" on their mararoni and cheese box, what they really mean is "You can try, but this tab is never going to open"

   Imagine if you knew exactly when are you going to die, what would you do with the rest of your time? I bet you would change a lot of things about you life...

   I wonder if musicians ever feel stupid singing a song with a chorus that repeats 35 times, because I certainly feel stupid listening to it.

   Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th.

   "Windows is waiting for the program to respond." Funny... So am I.

   Just did my own personal training session w a CrossFit trainer. Rowed 500m, 40 air squats, 30 full sit-ups, 20 push-ups, 10 overhand pull-ups. 5min 23 seconds. Then crawled to the bathroom to dryheave.

   What's this ♫♪ 'Crazy little thing called Love'? People say ♪♫ 'Love will keep us alive' but then ♪♫ 'Too much love will kill you'.... now 'I want to know what love is'. ♪♫

   No one dies a virgin, life screws us all

   a grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says hey your quite a celbrity around here we even have a drink named after you. The grashopper says wow you got a drink named Steve.

   has mixed his Ativan with Nyquil...and thinks he just saw Elvis making a grilled cheese in his kitchen...

   wonders who is going to play the chick with the 3 boobs in the Total Recall remake... (o)(o)o)

   I miss the simplicity of 90s.. I also miss the fact that artists in the 90s actually got "talent".

   very sure her exhusband is smiling at his girlfriends new red hair because now she resembles me even more.

   i like my suits like I like my women..... double breasted

   someday everything will all make sense

   Sometimes I will post on a friend's wall because a really ugly person just did I want my pic to look good next to it in comparison. And if the next person thats posts is ugly....bonus!!

   If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.