Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cheered for the Bears, they lost. I cheered for the Jets, they lost. I'm going to start cheering for al-Qaeda.

   I sat down next to my wife and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating." My wife said, "Will you f-ck off while I'm trying to take a sh*t."

   I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

   Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

   When someone says to me "I know what you're thinking," I'm so happy, because I have no idea.

   I didn't sleep that well last night, there must have been a pea under my mattress.

   Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.

   Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

   Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

   I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."

   Breaking news Arizona shooting suspect pleads not guilty...If he's not guilty, O.J don't wear gloves.

   Today's status is brought to you by the letters ~I.. H*A*T*E..M*O*N*D*A*Y*S.. and the numbers ~ 24/7 ~

   If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....

   Mike Vick kills two dogs, goes to prison for 18 months. Ben Roethlisberger rapes two women, goes to the Super Bowl.. only in America..

   all of a sudden everyone is a football expert

   first Obama, then the olympics, now the Bears.....Chicago, so close to producing winners, you get everyones hopes up and then last minute....choke.....fail.

   going to the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop to see how much they will give me for my DVD copy of Pawn Stars the Complete 1st Season.

   My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that....

   has come to realize that my job is like an episode of "LOST". Confusing, filled with a lot of interesting characters and just when I think I have it figured out - everything changes.

   If you want bright eyed and bushy tailed, go chase a squirrel!