Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should make Jack Daniels chap stick

   Dear Algebra, All year you made me try to find your X !!! Listen buddy...She's not coming back....So please get over it and move on!!

   I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   (1)Google Translate (2)Type,"Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty" (3)Eng 2 Vietnamese (4)Copy/Paste the Vietnamese Words (5)Vietnamese 2 English

   Just change the name of my ipod to The Titanic. So whenever I plug it in to my computer it says the titanic is syncing.

   Little Johnny wrote to Santa, "I want a baby brother for christmas." Santa wrote back' "Send me your Mother. '

   women see men like bank accounts. Without money they don't generate much interest.

   ⓘ ⓦⓐⓢ ⓑⓞⓡⓔⓓ, ⓢⓞ ⓘ ⓓⓔ©ⓘⓓⓔⓓ ⓣⓞ ⓟⓤⓣ ⓛⓔⓣⓣⓔⓡⓢ ⓘⓝⓢⓘⓓⓔ ⓑⓤⓑⓑⓛⓔⓢ.

   ˙ǝןƃuɐ ʇuǝɹǝɟɟıp ɐ ɯoɹɟ pןɹoʍ ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooן ɐ ƃuıʞɐʇ sı

   It confuses me when I see a cougar wearing a leopard print sweater.

   Whatever happend to Sex, Drugs , & Rock & Roll, Now we just have AIDS ,CRACK And Techno

   Boy sees his mom and dad having sex. Dad says "were making you a brother." Boy replies " do her doggy style, I rather have a puppy.".

   Remember when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bi**h slap them!

   Obama should pull an Ollie the Weatherman tonight... And now, the President of the United States.... "WE'RE BROKE!!!" --Cut to commercial--

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union: It sucks. We're broke. Quit *itching. Goodnight.

   Im so tired of this winter and snow that I rigged a gasoline can to my leaf blower, I'm on a mission now to melt all the snow so I can mow later

   Dear Mr. Pinto Bean, I'm very sorry I ate you and a couple of hundred of your friends, but there is no need for you to panic and plot your escape.....

   I like walking into bars and hitting up the jute box and playing Right Said Fred I'm too sexy 20 times in a row and leaving!

   ..and I would have gotten away with it, if it wasnt for those meddling policemen

   wants to be Oprah"s secret half sister!