Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my nephew thought my Ex-girlfriend was part of the X-men...So I replied "no nephew, she just look like a Beast".

   life is really not that hard; consider the daffodil....While you are doing that, I will steal your wallet.

   an apple a day will keep the doctor away; so will the lack of health insurance.

   liquor and ugly can only go so far... Would you like a paper bag?

   Just herd the cast of Jersey Shore is going to Italy next season...That's great!!! I hope they stay there. -_-

   A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.

   it's ridiculous how ghetto people or illiterate people for that matter confuse Barack Obama with Baraka from Mortal Kombat II...

   Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!

   just saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, should have been called Scott Pilgrim Vs. The IRS; because the rate of money they lost I expect he will be fighting them off for years.

   if you look up "cool" in the dictionary you'll see marked by calm self-control (especially in trying circumstances); unemotional; "play it cool"; "keep cool"; don't be a liar...I just checked the dictionary.

   not trying to be rude, but this lady in front of the line looks like she is mixed with mongoose.

   If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.

   Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I'm upgrading to the tugboat!

   the ancient myans predicted the end of the world in 2012...But mankind can barely predict a 5 day weather forecast....This is some bull sh*t!

   Helmet strapped down, crayons sharpened, it's going to be a great day!

   When someone tries to impress you, it means they're impressed by you.

   I don't take anything you say seriously. You're just an idiot who has internet access.

   I've changed the lock on my heart.. So stick the old key up your ass.

   Lawsuit claims Taco Bell tacos only 35% real beef. I think I speak for all of us when I say wow that much?

   Yep it is that time of year when some of us hate tax time!!! Thanks too the goverment you will get my money again this year!!!! Hope you will enjoy it