Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who needs a ladder, when you have a chair...and some toes.

   thinking of practicing random acts. Curb your excitement and hold your applause, I never said they were going to be "of kindness"...just random.

   I don't brag at all because I'm just that wonderful.

   I wish comicbook disguises worked in real life. A pair of glasses would open some many possiblities for me.

   each one of my 6 personalities has its own Facebook page.

   I thought about plugging my computer keyboard into my music system, but realized that would be stereotyping.

   if it looks, walks and talks like a duck but it smells kinda fishy, it's probably a Democrat trying to keep their office...

   Animal planet really makes it hard for me to enjoy The Lion King. =(

   Love is like wildflowers; It's often found in the most unlikely places, take the brothel for instance.

   Every path has its puddle; where as, every Cosby has his pudding.

   my nephew thought my Ex-girlfriend was part of the X-men...So I replied "no nephew, she just look like a Beast".

   life is really not that hard; consider the daffodil....While you are doing that, I will steal your wallet.

   an apple a day will keep the doctor away; so will the lack of health insurance.

   liquor and ugly can only go so far... Would you like a paper bag?

   Just herd the cast of Jersey Shore is going to Italy next season...That's great!!! I hope they stay there. -_-

   A penny saved is obviously the result of a government oversight.

   it's ridiculous how ghetto people or illiterate people for that matter confuse Barack Obama with Baraka from Mortal Kombat II...

   Just as I predicted, today was in fact a new day!

   just saw Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World, should have been called Scott Pilgrim Vs. The IRS; because the rate of money they lost I expect he will be fighting them off for years.

   if you look up "cool" in the dictionary you'll see marked by calm self-control (especially in trying circumstances); unemotional; "play it cool"; "keep cool"; don't be a liar...I just checked the dictionary.