Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone from New Jersey bites you, are you from New Jersey?

   If I were a cop......Just as I get ready to taze someone I would say..............pikaaaaaaaaaa.........................CCCCHHHHHH UUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Time travel:: like if you think it be cooler to go back in time..thu-mb down if travel into the future..???

   Some relationships in life are like fat people, they don't work out.

   Just ran into a girl I've jerked it to on facebook...met her for the first time in public today...let's just say...wat a creeper

   The Universe will be in cosmic harmony once Michael J. Fox endorses the "Shake Weight", & Chris Brown the "Slap Chop".

   My friend came over to my place for the first time this evening, I said "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My friend is slightly

   BREAKING NEWS: In a new Marital Sex Survey, women have reportedly faked all their answers ....

   Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan was unable to complete his homework because he had to take me to the Doctor for my lumbago. Signed, Epstein's Mother RIP Robert Hegyes

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my address for some reason. If you want to bring me a dream you can deposit it in my bank account!!

   Does it count as naked if you're wearing a hat? I say yes.

   swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.

   apologizing doesnt always mean ur wrong and the other person is right, just means you value ur realationship more then your ego.

   I'm so gangsta that you change the channels with the remote sideways!

   gearing up for hot tub season!

   Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom

   good one Tim. Though, I think the original was better yesterday morning.

   Stealth Abs - When your ripped six pack is covered by a layer of fat.

   why is it whenur watchin a movie and some one says"dude did you see that" no I payed $6.00 to sit and watch the floor

   the last thing you'll ever do is die..... It's true, just wait and see