Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5027 of 6369
why use floss when I can just squirt water through my teeth?? Sometimes the little things will just have to do until I get a robot
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03-29-2011 19:25
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Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.
I spill things :(
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03-29-2011 18:50 by jgmitts
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I throw my telescope in the air sometimes. Sayin' AYOOO I'm Galileo.
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03-29-2011 18:33
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So I was looking at the Oregano at work and saw a cop come in and I don't know why but I hid it...
Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”
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03-29-2011 17:26 by M.A.C.
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a long term relationship with whisky though it seems complicated because i'm still having some feeling for vodka!
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03-29-2011 16:32 by Dr. MJ
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Facebook: a book with more good looking people than the real world.
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03-29-2011 16:15 by Afrique18
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Women are like cheese...They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them....And they always go down easier with wine.
Facebook should get a B*tch Slap button, because we all know sometimes pokes just aren't enough!
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03-29-2011 14:29
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I called the geek squad and they asked"what were you doing when you caught the virus?"I say"well I wasn't reading the Bible online geek!
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03-29-2011 14:28 by rudeDOD
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I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.
Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto... and the stupid machine didn't pick any of them :(
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03-29-2011 13:47 by Only me..
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Geez O pete's just legalize marijauna already...just for the simple fact that stoner's won't have anything else to talk about, ever!!
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03-29-2011 09:19 by urboyblue
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Dodged another windshield today.....BUG LIFE.
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03-29-2011 08:55
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So ticket resellers are selling tickets to Charlie Sheen's show at a 75% loss. Why would the average American pay $52 to see something they can read on Twitter for free? Losing. duh.
to get a taxi from West Philadelphia (Born and raised) to Bel Air would cost $8356.96 on an average journey. Jazzy Jeff is one generous guy.
The kids nowadays don't realize how lucky they are when it comes to porn. They can switch on the computer and have vast amounts in seconds. When I was a kid, I used to have a wank when I typed the digits 55318008 into a calculator
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03-29-2011 08:48 by Griff
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Ok, so this girl on Facebook posted a status which read: "How can I get rid of this morning sickness?" Turns out replying, "Try a coat hanger" is a good way to get yourself deleted.
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03-29-2011 08:47 by Griff
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I think I'm going to have my OCD support group meeting at my home today. If nothing else, at least my house will get cleaned...
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03-29-2011 08:47 by scottyp
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